Book-A-Minute or Ultra-Condensed Classics

English teachers have the inconsiderate habit of assigning mammoth-sized works of literature to read and then actually expecting you to do it (I should know, I am one, and I do). This wouldn't be so bad except that invariably the requisite reading is as boring as fly fishing in an empty lake. Half of those books don't even have discernible plots. And let's face it -- the Cliff's Notes are pretty time-consuming too. Worry no more. Your troubles are over. We here at Book-A-Minute Classics have come up with a solution. We've taken all kinds of great works of literature and boiled them down to their essence, extracting all the filler (and believe me, there's a lot of it sometimes). In just one minute, you can read entire books and learn everything your teachers will expect you to know.
"That's nice," you say, "but I don't believe you." Yah hah, skeptical soul! We've got our collection of ultra-condensed books right here! We've got everything from Shakespeare to Steinbeck! See for yourself!

Pride and Prejudice
By Jane Austen
Ultra-Condensed by Anu Lahtinen

Mr. Darcy: Nothing is good enough for me.
Ms. Elizabeth Bennet: I could never marry that proud man.

(They change their minds.)

THE END

Romeo and Juliet
By William Shakespeare
Ultra-Condensed by Taran Horter

Romeo: Oh, Juliet!
Juliet: Oh, Romeo!
Romeo: Oh, Juliet!
Juliet: Oh, Romeo!
Romeo: Oh, Juliet! (dies)
Juliet: Oh, Romeo!......Romeo?......Dammit.

THE END

Romance: Ardent emotional attachment or involvement between people; love

2 Vine Ripened Tomatoes: $0.97/lb
2 Bulbs Garlic: $1.67/lb
Organic Mozzarella: $4.99
Tillamook Smoky Chedder: $5.99
Whole Wheat Pita: $2.45
1 bottle Cynthiana: ~$12.99
Spending our first Valentine's day at home cooking dinner together and eating a picnic in the living room floor on the red ottoman: Priceless

Stolen Funny, but I Gave Her Credit

Last night, before bed but after the Ambien kicked in, I thought about what Presidents Day might be like for Barack Obama. Is it like a birthday? Will he get presents? And I wonder if all his friends are blowing up his BlackBerry today being all, "Happy YOUR Day!" (If I had his number I'd totally call.)
I hope someone had the forethought to bake him something; this seems like the kind of day that would merit a lovely cake.
If I were him, I'd probably spend the day somewhere crowded like Times Square or the Las Vegas strip, and I'd drape myself in an American flag and a stovepipe hat and I'd swill a footlong margarita, demanding all passersby, "Kiss me! It's MY day!"
Then again, that's probably why I'm not President.

~Jen Lancaster author Pretty in Plaid, Bitter is the New Black, Such a Pretty Fat, etc...

Happy Valentine's Day!

Check out these Valentine's Cakes!

What Other Names Do I Need?

1.YOUR REAL NAME
Txxxxxx Dxxxxx (nice try! - I ain't tellin')

2. WITNESS PROTECTION NAME:(mother and fathers middle names)
Irene Raymond

3. STAR WARS NAME:(the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name)Dowti

4. DETECTIVE NAME:(favorite color, favorite animal)
Plaid Penguin

5. SOAP OPERA NAME:(middle name, town where you were born)
Renee Bartlesville

6. SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd fav color, fav drink, add "THE" to the beginning)
The Red Mojito

7. FLY NAME:(first 2 letters of 1st name, last 2 letters of your last name)
Tiey

8. STREET NAME:(fav ice cream flavor, fav cookie)
Snickerdoodle Chocolate Chip

9. ROCK STAR NAME:(current pets name, current street name)
Othello Yale

10. PORN NAME: (1st pet, street you grew up on)
Cinderella Elm

11. YOUR GANGSTA NAME:(first 3 letters of real name plus izzle)
Timizzle

12.YOUR IRAQI NAME:(2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, first two letters of your middle name, last two letters of your first name then last three letters of your last name)
Iwreynney

13. YOUR GOTH NAME:(black, and the name of one of your pets)
Black Joey

14. STRIPPER NAME: (name of your fav perfume/cologne, fav candy)
Boss Chocolate

15. NASCAR NAME:(first name of your mother's dad, father's dad)
James Edward

The Smile ~Donna Jo Napoli

I gave it 4 stars, so you already know I really liked it. It's an interesting spin on history. I like that Ms. Napoli can take a historical character (in this case a work of art) and weave a whole life around her. I especially enjoyed the historical parts. She breathes life into names and dates. Even though I know it's all from her imagination, it still feels like I now have the inside scoop on Mona Lisa's smile.