Book-A-Minute or Ultra-Condensed Classics

English teachers have the inconsiderate habit of assigning mammoth-sized works of literature to read and then actually expecting you to do it (I should know, I am one, and I do). This wouldn't be so bad except that invariably the requisite reading is as boring as fly fishing in an empty lake. Half of those books don't even have discernible plots. And let's face it -- the Cliff's Notes are pretty time-consuming too. Worry no more. Your troubles are over. We here at Book-A-Minute Classics have come up with a solution. We've taken all kinds of great works of literature and boiled them down to their essence, extracting all the filler (and believe me, there's a lot of it sometimes). In just one minute, you can read entire books and learn everything your teachers will expect you to know.
"That's nice," you say, "but I don't believe you." Yah hah, skeptical soul! We've got our collection of ultra-condensed books right here! We've got everything from Shakespeare to Steinbeck! See for yourself!

Pride and Prejudice
By Jane Austen
Ultra-Condensed by Anu Lahtinen

Mr. Darcy: Nothing is good enough for me.
Ms. Elizabeth Bennet: I could never marry that proud man.

(They change their minds.)

THE END

Romeo and Juliet
By William Shakespeare
Ultra-Condensed by Taran Horter

Romeo: Oh, Juliet!
Juliet: Oh, Romeo!
Romeo: Oh, Juliet!
Juliet: Oh, Romeo!
Romeo: Oh, Juliet! (dies)
Juliet: Oh, Romeo!......Romeo?......Dammit.

THE END